


You know I love You so

by wonderingcas



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Blood, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:44:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5201234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderingcas/pseuds/wonderingcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dealing with your best friend's death isn't exactly easy. It takes time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You know I love You so

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and it was basically inspired by a session of crying over SaruMi on twitter. The song Yellow by Coldplay was playing while I wrote it, so you might wanna listen to that.  
> This is pretty short, and English isn't my first language, but I hope you enjoy :)

When he first heard it, he thought he didn't feel any emotion at all. But maybe that was just what he'd told himself to make it easier. After all, losing your ex best friend was not something to happen to you every day. _(In fact, it never happened to the majority of people, and he often found himself wishing it didn't have to happen to him either_ ).  
Now that he thought back to it, what he'd felt when Reisi had told him about Misaki had not been glee, or relief. Neither had it been sadness though. It was simply shock, because _no_ , Saruhiko had never even _thought_ about the possibility of something happening to Misaki. Deadly things did not usually happen to someone like him. Misaki was fierce, he was strong, and he was too stubborn to just let himself die. _His_ Misaki wasn't supposed to leave.

Shock was followed by anger. _Misaki. How dare you leave me alone in a place like this._ This anger was far stronger than it had ever been while Misaki was alive and well, standing in front of Saruhiko in that wanna-be cool way of his, his head slightly tilted to the side and doubtfully eyeing him. Way stronger than any anger he'd ever felt towards Misaki when they fought, or when he saw him hang onto that bastard of a red king. Saruhiko couldn't believe that Misaki had had the audacity to simply _leave_. _What the fuck, Misaki? I'll kill you for this._  
Outbursts like this mostly ended with pieces of broken objects strewn around Saruhiko's apartment and red scratches all over his skin, accompanied by dried remnants of blood under his own fingernails.

Denial. The thought of Misaki being gone just _didn't_ want to go into Saruhiko's head. It seemed impossible. He had always been around, whether it was back in the good times, or later as a toy for Saruhiko to play, fight and argue with. Saruhiko realized he could not really remember what had been before his friendship with Misaki. It was like Saruhiko only existed next to Misaki and Misaki only existed next to Saruhiko. _Who cares if we fought,_ he thought, because it didn't change anything to the fact that Misaki had been there. Just been there for Saruhiko to rely on.

He went through anger again. Only this time, it was directed towards himself. It was like his conscience that he had suppressed so successfully over the last few years came back even stronger to throw doubts at him and make him want to bang his head against the wall.  
_How could I ever betray Misaki like this. How could I ever treat him like he never meant anything to me. How could I hurt him without a second thought about what I was doing to him. How could I ever let it come as far as for him to get careless enough to get mortally wounded in battle. How could I. How could I._  
Saruhiko knew fully well that it wasn't entirely his fault. However, this was not a time to blame his deceased friend for what had happened, or mostly _hadn't_ happened, between them.

Regret came along, for not acting toward Misaki like he was supposed to, for not showing his friend how he really felt. Regret for always acting like a young kid, picking fights with Misaki to get his dose of goddamn attention that he needed so bad. Regret for showing Misaki endless hate instead of the love he really felt towards him.  
The worst was the regret and, finally, the sadness that Saruhiko felt when he thought about how he had left Misaki too. For years, he had made him believe that he hated him, and now he had not even had the chance to talk to Misaki before he died. Passed away. It was typical for him, really: always realizing things when it was far too late.  
Saruhiko realized just how much he wished he could've held Misaki in his last moments; reassured him; told him it was all a lie, that he didn’t hate him at all. He realized that he hated himself because it took Misaki's death for him to realize all of this, and that it should've been him, _it should've been him,_ _anyone but Misaki_. Anyone, just not his best friend.


End file.
